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© Rakhesh Sasidharan

Elsewhere

Various bits and pieces

I listened to Ian Fleming’s “Quantum of Solace” now as part of the “For Your Eyes Only” collection narrated by Simon Vance. Wow, that was an amazing James Bond story. My favorite now, next to “Casino Royale” (which I listened to the version narrated by David Tennant). No guns or action in this one, just a story on human nature … and boy was it better than everything else! The narration enhanced the story. I love Simon Vance’s narration and he outdone himself in this one.

Speaking of audiobooks I have been laxing on them recently. In fact I switched to an alternate-monthly plan after emailing customer service as I simply wasn’t able to keep up with my purchases. This way I get 6 credits a year – a purchase every other month – and I continue to get access to the members only sales and Audible Originals etc. Not a bad deal.

There’s simply too much stuff to listen to now. Audiobooks plus a lot of fantastic podcasts. I have split my podcasts amongst two apps mainly coz I like both apps and want to keep a foot in each but also because I use each app for a different sort of podcast. I use Overcast to listen to a lot of the TWIT and Apple focused shows and try it use it like one would use Twitter – i.e. dip into the stream of podcasts as and when I can and try not to get too fussed if I am falling behind on my listening (which I almost always am). Side by side I use Pocket Casts to listen to “stories” – podcasts I would like to listen to from the first episode to the last, or at least in order or even just try and keep up more regularly. This too doesn’t always happen but I try and keep it that way. There’s simply so much stuff to listen to now!

Speaking of podcasts check out “Homecoming” by Gimlet. The podcast is fine, but the TV show based on it is amazing. That takes the podcast to a whole different level. Speaking of TV shows “Bodyguard” was a good one, so were some stand up comedies on Netflix like the Adam Sandler one “100% Fresh” and Trevor Noah’s “Son of Patricia”. I have been slacking on TV shows too.

Yup, life has a lot of pressure! :) Don’t get me started on the books I have in my Kindle and physical to read but which I am barely making progress on. It’s like entertainment is no longer just entertainment – you have to choose between multiple options, there’s pressure, try and not waste too much time on stuff you don’t like (and not feel guilty either about leaving things partly if you don’t like them) … so much pressure! I like to listen to music too but that’s taken a huge backstage probably recently as there’s only so much ear time I have. That said today morning I spent about an hour or two just listening to music. That was awesome indeed!

I am also getting up to grips Macs and macOS. I bought the latest Mac Mini and setting it up hasn’t been as pleasurable an experience as I was imagining it to be. For one, I went with the base model and so don’t have much storage space, but I did that hoping I can just point my iCloud etc. to an external drive and be done with it. You see, I wanted this Mac Mini to be sort of like my file server at home, hosting all my iCloud files etc., and I know in Windows I can point the iCloud drive to a different drive/ folder and so I incorrectly assumed I would be able to do the same on macOS too. Nope, you can’t. iCloud drive has to be in your home drive, and if you are stuck like me with a small home drive then you are screwed. So I had to fiddle with having the home drive itself be on an external drive, then realize that I can’t automatically mount it as I have to enter the password of the drive (not like Windows with BitLocker where you enter the password for the main drive and all other drives can be automatically mounted). On top of that I learnt that since my system drive too is encrypted I can’t even remotely connect to the Mac until I login via the console (eugh!) (it makes sense though, so while I say eugh I appreciate it). What I ended up doing finally is turn off encryption in my system drive, have my home drive mounted to an external drive, and each time I power on the Mac I’ll SSH into it remotely and will mount the home drive partition after entering password so that I can then login via console and proceed to do whatever I want.

Speaking of which. 1) the VNC based screen sharing sucks. Doesn’t just expand to the correct resolution like Microsoft Remote Desktop would do. and 2) I can’t figure out how to mount all my other non-encrypted drives automatically or via CLI as it only seems to happen once you login. I tried fiddling with the fstab file but didn’t make progress. (Again, none of these are huge complaints. If it were Windows I would have similar issues like being unable to enter the BitLocker password for the root drive without connecting to the machine directly … but yeah, I sort of didn’t expect it with the Mac Mini. My fault for assuming iCloud can be easily re-pointed elsewhere without moving the whole home directory itself someplace!)

My Mac Mini troubles aren’t ended yet as it currently doesn’t let me do time machine backups and complains it can’t take local snapshots. I haven’t had time to look into it so left it for now.

Interesting podcast episodes

Quick shoutout to some interesting podcast episodes I listened to lately. Sorry they are Overcast links than links to the podcast site. I am being lazy here.

  • The Tradeoffs of Information Hiding in the Control Plane – this one’s from the Packet Pushers network and while the title sounds very techie it is actually a discussion about a book written by the podcast host and the person he is talking to. The book seems interesting, I must buy it sometime to read (or at least add to my library).
  • Episode 221 of The Committed podcast – again an interview, with the author of a productivity book. It’s less of an interview (as both podcasts are) and more of a discussion. Both host and author share a lot of their workflow and apps they use. The apps are mostly Mac or iOS based but it’s a good listen.
  • Episode 222 of The Committed podcast – listening to this currently. I liked the discussion. It’s about books and reading and I resonated with a lot of the discussion. Especially a bit where one of the hosts mentions that he has cut down on his audiobook and podcast listening recently as they were taking up all his time, and started listening to more music. Same here. In my case audiobooks were taking up all my ear time so I have cut them down over the month to listen to more podcasts and also a lot more music than I usually do. Hope that pattern sticks! It’s difficult because my huge Audible library of unheard books make me feel guilty and so I tend to subconsciously prioritize audiobooks unless I actively counter this tendency. :)

Life and all that…

I went traveling to a different country recently. The day after reaching there I realized that I have loose motions. Not sure what I ate that disagreed with me as I was fine all night long and only had this sudden urge to rush to the toilet an hour after I woke up (during which I ate nothing). Coincidentally, on the day that I was leaving for this place I had also packed my Imodium tablets (they put an end to loose motions, they are amazing!). I hadn’t packed them for the trip but when I woke up that day I had a headache and so decided to pack some Panadol just in case. Looking for extra supplies in my medicine drawer I chanced upon a pack of Imodium which was expiring this month and so took it along just in case. And the very next day they turned out to be useful. “How lucky!” my mind thought.

But is that luck? Wouldn’t luck have been not having loose motions in the first place? I am “lucky” in that I generally don’t get loose motions when traveling (in fact the last time I remember getting loose motions on a trip was maybe 4-5 years ago) so considering I had to get loose motions, yes I was lucky that events conspired such that I took the tablets along; but I would have been luckier if I just didn’t get loose motions at all.

I suppose I should be thanking God for the stroke of luck. But then again couldn’t God just have prevented me from getting loose motions (either through a more resilient stomach or just pointing me away from whatever food triggered the loose motions). If God is all seeing and thus all this is predestined then I was meant to get loose motions and also meant to carry tablets along – so this is all just pointless no?

I don’t get a God who is all seeing and does pointless things just for self-amusement or something. A better explanation is that there is no predestination and God isn’t all seeing. Things just happen but God is someone who is more aware of the probabilities and multiple futures. I too as a Human can calculate these but I am nothing compared to God who is able to calculate things infinitely better and with more nuance perhaps. He can then nudge me along such that I am better prepared for things. This is the God in M. Night Shyamalan’s “Signs”. The God who arranged for things such that the family was able to kill the aliens and the preacher’s brother nearly escaped having his kiss messed up forever by the girl puking into his mouth.

So what makes things happen? I dunno. Random chance I guess. Is God able to influence things? I dunno. If he can influence things directly – like send a thought to my head to take medicines or avoid a certain food – then it doesn’t make much sense as he can avoid a lot of the drama of life by just making sure certain things don’t happen. So direct influencing doesn’t make sense to me, it has to be indirect. He can arrange for things to sway the probabilities this way or the other perhaps, but what eventually happens is not His direct doing. Thus He can arrange for me to wake up with a headache (make sure I have a bad sleep and I will wake up thus) then arrange for things to be such that I open my medicine cabinet to look for headache medicines and see the stomach upset medicines; but whether I actually take the medicines along or not depends on me. That bit is my decision, he can only arrange things so I have a decision to make.

Thus God is not responsible for my actions or those of others. But He can influence actions – both mine and others. Because I wake up with a headache chances are I might go pick up a fight with someone or be unnecessarily rude, but that choice still rests with me and what I do is my responsibility. The cards are stacked against me but it is my free will to act out. A lot of times I will fall into His trap and act poorly, a few times I will act better. This too has His influence written all over it because the person I am today is a result of my past and the events there, and if He so influenced my past events to be one which has left me full of negative thoughts and a depressed nature chances are I will react very poorly to the events in my life (making my future prospects poor in turn). He has slowly nudged the probabilities to be better able to nudge me the way He wants. I was probably a clean slate when born (sort of, coz my environment and parents etc too matter of course) but over time He is able to influence my actions more.

One could split God into the God and Devil I guess. One tries to do good by you, the other bad. Or there could even be a host of Beings I guess. I mean who knows. Even if there’s just one or a whole lot, the question is why should any one or more of these care for me. Why should they try to do good by me (take medicines for instance) or bad (eat food that causes a stomach upset). What’s their stake in it? Is it because I pray and so God wants to do good by me and the Devil wants to hurt me; or am I just a pawn in a game between them where things have to happen for the sake of the drama? I dunno. I don’t like to think in terms of black and white so this concept of God and Devil sounds rubbish to me. I prefer to think of things this way: one, there’s Life which is the random happening of events; two, there’s Beings that can influence things one way or the other because they can see more of the big picture in space and time; and three:, there’s us Humans (and other Animals?) who can make individual choices which may not necessarily be easy to make because the Beings I mentioned could influence our decisions but we nevertheless have free will and so the decisions are ours in the end and these in turn feed into Life and affect others and have an interplay with everything. Life + Beings is what one would refer to as the Tao I guess.

Why do these Beings do what they do? Are they just impartial beings or themselves influenced by other things? Maybe they are influenced by Humans too via their deeds and prayers (or lack thereof)? Maybe Beings influence each other, maybe the random events of Life influence these Beings too? My “guardian angel” Being (for lack of a better term) had some interest in ensuring I don’t have a shitty trip (literally haha!) so ensured I took tablets along. Other Beings have negative interests towards me for whatever reasons so They ensure a lot of other things don’t go well with me. Or maybe it’s the same Being who both didn’t want to spoil my trip but otherwise has it out for me in certain matters so spoils them and helps out in other matters however He can. Who knows.

Part of me knows that this is me anthropomorphizing things. Things happened, I was lucky to take tablets along, now I am trying to find a reason of explain things. Big deal! But I don’t think so. I don’t feel life is entirely random. A lot of times things seem to have a pattern. It’s like a fractal. Seems very complex and varied but there’s a kernel of a pattern which influences the overall structure. I find life to be like that. It’s a mix of random (the capital L Life) and some non-random ordering (God; Beings) working together. A sensible philosophy for mental peace would be to accept things and find understanding but it doesn’t work that way. It is irritating when things don’t work out even though you may put in a lot of effort, or things always seem to go a certain way as if there’s some bad luck or jinxing involved. What does one do here? Keep trying? Work harder? Pray!? :) I don’t know. I don’t think praying or pointlessly trying is an answer. But I do feel that one must try as much as one can, without getting frustrated. Try because that’s in ones nature, but couple it with an understanding perhaps that there is a non-random element at work too which for whatever reason nudges things around so you may not always get what you want (and will sometime get things when you least expect it). If there are some non-random sequence of events which work to ensure that you are never stuck without loose motion pills in case you have to get loose motions during a trip, then there are also non-random sequence of events which will work to ensure the probabilities are always stacked against you in certain aspects of life and how much ever you try things will always seem to work against you. There’s nothing you can do in the latter, but that doesn’t mean you give up. The same way these Beings can’t make you win by taking tablets, They can’t make you fail either. The only time you really fail is when you fall down and stay down (I am paraphrasing this from something I read). As long as you get up, even though your legs might be broken, you haven’t decided to fail. At the end you might have failed because the cards were stacked against you but you (the capital H Human in this game of life) hasn’t given up.

Before wrapping up, something I want to add as a reminder to my future self reading this. If things have conspired to make it a bad day and are nudging you to make bad decisions, remember the final decision is still yours. It is hard to resist because of all the environmental factors, but remember you have a choice and try to exert it.

Ps. Typing this post on my iPhone from the beautiful (but hot, wrong time to visit!) Armenia. Maybe all these thoughts are thanks to the monastery visits or the long hours spent half asleep half dreaming in the car rides to these monasteries. I didn’t know Armenia had such a rich heritage until I visited the place. I knew of Armenia somewhere in the back of my mind but didn’t realize how old and historically rich it was.

The Crazy Old Bishop

That’s what my daughter called my bishop today in a game of chess with her and the bishop single-handedly killed pretty much all her pieces and checkmated her king in the end with my king. Funny! She’s 9 years old and I won the game, but it was fun coz of the father daughter bonding and also I think I am playing chess after some 15-20 years (or at least completing a game – I haven’t had the patience to do that since I left school!).

Hadn’t realized my bishop was on a killing spree until I lost my queen to teach her something and she mentioned my crazy old bishop was still around killing people! That’s when I noticed that she was right, this bishop was on a roll and killing most of the opponents even with me losing many of my “more important” pieces. Here’s the crazy old bishop – never underestimate it! :)

Castro podcast player (and moving on from it)

I am an avid podcast listener and have been a long term fan of Pocket Casts. I’ve even paid for their web-app even though I don’t use it much, coz I liked their iOS and Android apps and wanted to support them.

However I also get bored of using the same thing again and again :) and I also wanted some way to manage my unlistened to podcasts. I tend to subscribe to a lot of podcasts (well at least I used to, I cut down on a lot now) and it is difficult to make time to listen to podcasts, audio books, and music – so I also wanted some way of keeping a “handle” on the podcasts. There are some podcasts that I would like to listen to every episode of, there are some podcasts I listen to in the background while working or doing other things, and there are some podcasts I listen to actively but I don’t necessarily want to listen to all episodes. I tried using playlists in Pocket Casts for this but that didn’t work out well; and I also tried other apps like Overcast (in combination with Pocket Casts so I have some podcasts on Overcast) but that didn’t work out well either. In fact, most people seem to rave about Overcast, but I didn’t like it much. The UI isn’t that great, and I generally found it confusing & cumbersome (don’t ask me what I found confusing – I just did).

Fast forward to last month and I discovered Castro. That was a great find and I loved their triage interface. Now I had the podcasts that I listen to in the background or which I wanted to listen all episodes to in Pocket Casts, and the ones I wanted to listen to actively but pick and choose episodes in Castro. I subscribed to the podcast of the creators too and overall it was a pleasant experience.

Some small niggles though. Castro seems to suck at downloading. Maybe it was my home WiFi coz it seemed to be ok over 4G/ LTE (and it blew up my allowance in the process last month!) but Pocket Casts had no issue downloading over the same WiFi so I am not sure. I also didn’t like the fact that when I wrote to their support address regarding this issue no one replied. It’s not a biggie but it put me off.

This past weekend however I came across a big niggle that totally put me off. I knew that Castro was an iOS only app and considering I am an iOS and Android user that’s something I was willing to put up with coz I liked Castro. But on the weekend I took out one of my other iPhones and discovered that Castro doesn’t do any sort of sync between iPhones either. That was a bummer! It can restore my subscriptions and episodes from the other phone but there’s no way to keep the two in sync. This was a biggie for me as I like to be able to keep things in sync at least within iOS. I like to change phones around and use multiple devices, so keeping things in sync is a basic necessity in my books (or at least I realized so this weekend). Castro, I love your interface and way of handling podcasts, but as long as you don’t have some way of keeping my subscriptions and progress in sync I am sorry I won’t be able to use you. :( Yes I don’t need it on a regular basis but that’s something I draw a line at in terms of not wanting to be tied down to a device.

So today I went back to Pocket Casts. Added all the episodes and subscriptions back to Pocket Casts and created playlists etc again. Dunno if I will be able to continue listening to podcasts as quickly as I was with Castro (coz of the triage interface where I could pick and choose and discard easily) but let’s see. Got to try again!

Update: Trying out Overcast in conjunction with Pocket Casts (i.e. as a replacement for the role previously filled by Castro basically). Thing with Pocket Casts is that even though I can make playlists I can’t sort them my way. It’s either oldest to newest, or reverse. There’s a few podcasts I am catching up on and I would like to have them in between my regular episodes, and there’s no way to do that with Pocket Casts. But I can do so with Overcast so thought I’d try again. So many people recommend it (including the Packet Pushers podcast whose weekly episode from yesterday had Greg and Ethan mention Overcast as being great) I must try again in case the issue is one of me being stubborn.

One niggle with Overcast though is that I can’t have some podcasts sorted a different way (unlike Pocket Casts). So it’s either everything sorted oldest to newest or newest to oldest. I can sort playlists however I want, including custom reordering (which is such a pleasure on Castro BTW – love their drag and drop!) so it’s not really a big deal.

Bug in Apple ad

Came across this Verge article today about a bug in iOS now appearing in an ad. Funny!

I’ve been hating iOS since version 11. It’s not as butter smooth as before. There’s jerky animations, regular crashes, an overall feeling of something not right. In fact, I switched to the iOS Beta channel on my main device last month hoping that at least any newer fixes will get pushed there first (along with any newer bugs too, but I am stuck with those anyways :p). Gone are the days when iOS was stable and “just worked”.

I don’t mind the mismatched fonts and stuff. Yes they reflect an attention to lack of detail and are symptomatic of the larger problem but I can live with those. It’s just the jarry animations and general slowness that get to me.

On top of that Audible on iPhone – which probably my #1 used app – is rubbish. It constantly freezes and crashes. Irritating!

Bored :)

Watching “Cosmos: A Space Time Odyssey” nowadays. 

Also completed “The Leftovers” Season 1 yesterday. Great show, especially the last few episodes where there’s a lot of talk about purpose and such – which is still in my head. 

Now sitting at a restaurant, bored, eating chicken kababs. Thinking: life is so easy for humans now. Ages ago we had to hunt for food. Each day was an unknown – whether we would get something or not. Life itself was unsure. Survival during hunting for instance. But now – here I am, a chubby spectacled nerd who probably wouldn’t have survived at all during the hunter days, sitting here eating a piece of chicken with a fork. How things have changed. 

I guess that’s why we have no sense of purpose now. Back then we had a purpose – survival; fight against nature. Now we have troubles but most of it isn’t of the survival kind. So there’s no sense of purpose – there’s an emptiness. Nothing to do. Work is what we try to find purpose in. But that’s not really purpose. Mostly it’s a means to earn money. And it’s filled with politics and whatnot. It’s not purely about “your” purpose – it’s about the company and the people in it etc. 

Ok time to go, cutting this short! :)

Thoughts on leaving things midway

When I was a kid I used to always finish whatever book I was reading. Once I reached college and was generally lost in life my reading habit took a turn for the worse and many a times I didn’t manage to finish what I began reading. I took this as a negative thing and much later when I became relatively less lost in life I started reading avidly again and tried to finish whatever I started. I didn’t read every book I bought – mostly because I was still sort of lost in life, but also because the books I started reading since college were mostly non-fiction and I just never got to reading them all due to changing interests. However, if I started a book, I did my best to complete it especially if it was fiction. 

I don’t know if this is a good decision though. I don’t have an answer either ways – I am just unsure. The reason why I take this habit of “not finishing a book” as bad is coz that’s what gets drilled into your head. If you start something but don’t complete, it’s generally frowned upon. Plus I read this essay as a child where the author said that young people do more coz they don’t have a choice – they are forced to do from school or parents etc and so they do what is told even if they don’t like, and generally manage to do something of it – but as we grow older we have choices and so become spoilt/ pampered and just give up at the first time something doesn’t go our way. 

I get these points but nowadays I also feel that maybe wasting time finishing something just coz we have to finish it is probably just a waste of time. Yes it’s an accomplishment that you don’t leave things half way, but maybe it’s better to just restrict this philosophy to stuff that matters? Like say if you are a person who does a half job of everything – then yes, not good! But maybe you try and do a good job of most things, and mostly succeed too, so perhaps it is ok to ignore it when it comes to some areas (such as reading)? I don’t know. 

If I am watching a TV show or movie and leave it midway I don’t chide myself. But I do when it comes to reading a book. That’s because reading a book is more effort than watching something, but end of the day both are entertainment after all. If the objective is to be entertained then why must I give more importance and suffering when it comes to reading?

One reason why I am thinking all this now is due to Audible. They have their Great Listen guarantee wherein if you don’t like an audiobook you can return it. That’s amazing coz sometimes I just don’t like an audiobook – not coz of the narrator or narration or quality etc, I just don’t like it. But since Audible is giving me permission to return it back I don’t have any guilt that oh I bought something and will be wasting money not listening to it. If I am not enjoying it, I can return it – period. There’s nothing Bad involved. Wish similar programs existed for eBooks too!

Recently for instance I started reading two books. “The 100 Year Old Man Who Climbed Out Of The Window and Disappeared” and also “The Winter Fortress”. 

“The 100 Year” is great in movie form, and sort of interesting in reading form. I guess coz that sort of content translates well to a movie structure with good score and camera work etc; while if you are reading it all the coincidences and luck get trite after a while. 

“The Winter Fortress” is a great non-fiction book about the efforts during World Wor II to destroy a factory in Norway that produced heavy water (used in making nuclear bombs). I read about a third of it and it was a great read. I didn’t know most of it. Then I got side tracked with some other stuff (father in law passing away) and I lost the flow. Now I am trying to get back into it and not in the mood coz I simply have lost the flow. I tried to cheat by purchasing the audiobook version but a) I am still not managing to get into the mood and b) the narrator wasn’t that great (I didn’t like his voice). But I was able to return the audiobook thanks to Audible and so felt no guilt, but I had a heavy heart deciding what to do about the eBooks. Finally I decided it was pointless wasting more time with these two books and so decided to move on. And thought I’d write this post too putting my thoughts down. :)

Part of me feels bad at leaving these two books midway. But (a larger) part of me is relieved at moving on coz I would just have been depressed trying to get “entertained” with these books and not getting anywhere. 

Recently I also finished hearing James Franco’s narration of Stephen King’s “The Dark Zone”. This book was nothing like I expected – coz it was quite detailed and the overall plot was simple but what mattered was the details and descriptions and thoughts etc – and while I struggled to finish through it, I didn’t let go because it was manageable. I knew it was only a case of me expecting something else, but the book was well written and narrated and I could hold on till the end. Sometimes it’s worth it; sometimes (like now) it isn’t. Just got to make a case by case decision I think rather than some overarching “policy”. 

Self-learning; picking up new stuff

I realize over time that I am not good at learning things. As in, if I have to pick up something because say it’s a new topic and I must read about it, or maybe there’s an exam/ certification I wan’t to clear and so must study for it – I just can’t do these kind of tasks. I am also not good at just picking up stuff by doing it – like say maybe learn Linux but installing a distro and spending some time with it. I just don’t work that way. 

I knew this from before but used to consider this a negative quality of mine, mixed with fears that maybe I am not good enough. But nowadays I realize that while it still is not a good way to be, that’s just how I am and there’s no point overly thinking about it. Just have to take it in the stride. 

Like now for instance – I attended a Citrix course some months back and want to do its certification. Thought I’d get the list of objectives and course material and read through it and prepare myself. But I am just unable to focus. Knowing this nature of mine I had previously tried setting up a Citrix lab to get a hang of stuff. While that was a better success than this current idea of reading, that too didn’t get to the point I want to because I am not good at creating my own objectives – especially when I know it’s a “fake” one. It’s sort of like how I enjoy walking, but ask me to do a treadmill or just walk outdoors for exercise and I can’t do it. I’ll walk if there’s a need to – I don’t hate walking, in fact I love walking and think I am quite good at it – but I am not going to go for walks just for kicks. Weather and mood permitting I might for a walk just to listen to some podcast or an audio book; but that wouldn’t be coz I want to walk, it would be coz I want to listen to something and walking will let me do it peacefully. 

This is a difficult situation to be in when you are an IT professional. If your workplace is one where there’s plenty of new projects happening or things to do, it is a good state coz I know I will jump into these and quickly pick stuff up and do wonders; but if your workplace is not of that sort then I will get bored and get into a rut soon – stagnating and becoming pretty useless. This nature leaves me at the mercy of my environment than letting me be a self-driven person. That sucks!

Anyways, time to go back and read Citrix. Enough distractions via blogging. :)

Time and all that …

This is something I wrote while killing time in the metro today … was in a bit of a “mood” so this is not one of my typical techie posts. Feel free to skip. You have been warned! :)

Listening to Stephen King’s “The Dead Zone” read by James Franco. I pre-ordered it after watching “11.22.63”. From the book blurb I thought it would be more sci-fi or horror, but so far it’s been slow, thoughtful, and quite well-written (yes I know I have no right to say that, just that I expected the book to be something else and am pleasantly surprised by what it has turned out to be). I don’t know where the story is going yet… there seems to be one main strand with a few little strands strewn over so far and am guessing they all intersect at some point. I am only some 3 hours into a 16 hour book, so plenty of time left! 

Listening to this book reminded me of ‘time’ from “11.22.63” (same author) as well as “Slaughterhouse-Five” (same narrator). Both talk about ‘time’ differently but with the same idea. Both books treat ‘time’ as frozen/ pre-determined and “11.22.63” especially has this idea of time fighting back if you try and change it. I liked that and wish the book had elaborated more on it. 

If you view ‘time’ as frozen (i.e. this moment has already happened, the future has happened) then ‘time’ is ‘fate’. The question of changing your fate or trying to change your luck then becomes a case of trying to work against ‘time’. Which is sort of interesting coz then you can see ‘time’ working against your efforts. I hate that but also find it fascinating because that makes ‘time’ or ‘fate’ kind of sentient or purposeful (like they are really “out to get you” :p). 

A long time ago I had come across Dilbert comics author Scott Adams’ “affirmations” concept. Basically you think of something you want and keep repeating that idea as a sentence many times a day. For example: “I will get a score of 100/100 in my exam on Saturday”. Write this sentence down say every day morning for say 20 times. That’s affirmations. The exact details are variable – as in maybe you could type it down or just say aloud to yourself; or maybe no need to do it in the morning but just at some point during the day or at regular intervals through the day… you get the point. I had tried it many years ago and nothing happened. At that point I felt maybe I wasn’t doing it correctly and so left it (and in fact later on things kind of turned out to be opposite to what I had wished for – story of my life! :p). Didn’t think much of it and left it. 

Some months ago I came across this idea again from one of his books and also a few podcast interviews. Tried it again this time, with more earnestness, and this time I felt there was a sudden “kick back” from time in terms of changing things such that the things I were affirming for were no longer possible. And then I saw “11.22.63” and the concept of ‘time’ fighting back entered my mind and it’s been sitting there since then. I’ve tried a few other things similar to affirmations (both before and after watching “11.22.63”) and every time there’s been a kick back – often a strong one to completely derail what I was wishing for. These kind of events reaffirm my thinking that time is frozen, and if you try taking a blow torch to thaw it a bit, it fights back! :) I guess words like “frozen” and “blow torch” are not the right ones – it’s more like the path is bound with strings tied to other strings in a sort of self-correcting machine mechanism, and if you try to make changes the mechanism kicks in and sorts things out to ensure you stay on path.

It’s a depressing way of thinking, but everyone has a path set out, and there’s not much we can do to budge from it. And in the few instances where we do feel we’ve managed to change things, that’s probably coz that change itself was written in the path.

Sad times…

My father in law passed away yesterday morning. It wasn’t unexpected. He was unwell and suffering for over 3 long years, so I am glad he’s finally managed to move on. Of course I wish he didn’t have to have the disease (cancer) or suffer in the first place; but given the fact that he was going through pain I can’t even begin to imagine and the humiliation of hospital visits and your body no longer being yours, I am happy he has moved on. 

Death is a shitty thing though for the people you leave behind. 

His wife has been sad and crying since then. Obviously. She’s going to miss him and whatever us children do it’s not going to replace him or her relationship to him. But more than all that, what saddens me is the constant throng of people and relatives. I guess it’s just me and my introvert nature – I can’t imagine what I’d do if I were in pain such as this and had people around me. I would be able to be myself around them, and I’d just hate having so many people around. 

Well actually, I can’t even imagine what sort of pain I’d be in. I don’t get close to people, and even the ones I do get close to haven’t really resulted in any deep inseparable bond sort of thing. (Again, just me I guess. I aim of this “ideal” in relationships and how I am. I dream of an abstract but intense relationship. Reality doesn’t work that way so I don’t know how I would even react to the loss of any loved on). 

Sitting here in Kerala, one it’s so boring; and two, I can’t help think that all this “process” is just holding everyone back. Today is day 2 but we are all still stuck in day 1. (By “we” I mean his wife and daughter etc – people with feelings). We are waiting for the son to arrive before the last rites can commence. He is due to arrive today night, so all that stuff will begin tomm morning. And that’s a ritual in itself. First his body will be brought from the cold freezer in the hospital. Then there’s a whole bunch of rituals to be done by son & daughter & other interested parties, after which the body will be cremated. During all this time there’ll be people and relatives – oh so many people! After cremation there’s more rites I think, but I am not sure. Then some 5 days later (or maybe it’s 3 coz I am not sure if they start counting from the day of death which was yesterday) there’s some more rites. Then we have to put his ashes and remains in a river somewhere. Then a few more days later (the whole thing ends in abt 11-12 days) there’s some more rites and rituals. And with that everyone is able to move on… I think. 

The thing that strikes me is how we are all just holding on to him. I don’t know why, it feels so unreal to me. Like why do we ‘need’ to do all this to remember someone? A loved on dies, it’s a private thing. Let that person go – the body at least – and then mourn in private or with friends and relatives, and try to just move on. I am not saying forget the person, but just move on. Try to get on with life. Incorporate that person into your life, make him or her a part of you/ your memories/ your base, and then just get on with it. Spending 12 days in rituals (I am speaking of Kerala Hindus by the way, specifically the community of my in-laws, things could vary for others) holding on to the one who is no more, crying, remembering, mourning… it just feels so impractical or negative. 

Right now for instance, we had to remove all the furniture from the main room because tomm morning that’s where the body will be kept. His wife burst into tears seeing that. I empathize with her. It is a sad sight – seeing things removed off your house (“their” house, their furniture, their dreams and reality) to place to dead body of your loved one in its place. It’s heart wrenching. And it leaves your last memory of everything in a bad place. Your last memory of your loved one is all this – not just pleasant ones if your time with him. 

And now I have a relative trying to socialize with me so I have to abruptly stop this flow of thoughts. Bah! 

Never mind he’s left. :)

My wife’s sad that she will have to do last rites tomm as she doesn’t want the last image of her father to be him in this dead state all skinny and lifeless. I get that. When I am dead I wouldn’t want anyone’s memories of me being my lifeless body or this sad state. Yes I would want them to miss me. Every day. Think of me, miss me, terribly miss me in fact – but I would still want them to be able to live life as usual and I would want their memories of me to be the good and bad times we had together, not a corrupted image of me lifeless with nothing more of “me” in it. And I would definitely want them to move past my physical body. That’s not me any more. That’s just what I was. Now I live on inside you, as part of you. Keep me alive that way instead of feeling sad that I am not physically around any more. If I love you I wouldn’t want you to be sad, and definitely not on my accord. 

Anyways. Death is a shitty business. And I have to go through the motions for the next 11-12 days. Definitely not looking forward to it. 

I didn’t know my father in law much though. He was a good person though and I’d like to think we respected each other. We didn’t speak much. I am an introvert and prefer reading a book or watching a movie instead of interacting with people. He was an introvert too, lost in his books and farming and teaching etc (to be honest I don’t know what else as I wasn’t too close to him). But he was a good person. A person filled with morals and all that good sort of stuff. He cared for his kids and family, wanted the best for them, secure their future, try and do what he could. Most of all I think he was a very simple person. You know he is wasn’t cunning or wily and that whatever he said or did was simple and from his heart. That’s probably *the* quality of his that I admire and remember most. It’s rare to come across people whose actions and words reflect their inner thoughts. Most people (myself included) aren’t simple. He was. 

Someone needs to arrange lamps now for tomm’s ceremonies. I guess that’s one good thing of having people around. You can ask someone to help out as everyone’s there to help out. I would rather not having people or rituals, but considering you are stuck with both it’s good to know that both work out for each other. Your role (as family) is mainly to participate in everything – rituals and socializing. 

Had to go socializing again now. Someone I have no idea of has come to visit. So go through the usual motions of hi hello and receive condolences etc. And then they sit and stare into the emptiness for a while and you to do the same (except in this case I am bored now and typing this post!). That’s a very funny thing about this business. Everyone just sitting around staring into the emptiness. I know why we do it – it’s to express sadness. Wouldn’t make sense to have a loud conversation or chit chat, so best is to just stare into the ether with a sad look. 

I think it’s time to stop blogging. More visitors coming in. More socializing to do. More staring.  Sigh. 

You know you are getting fatter when…

… when you put your phone in the left pocket and the Bluetooth music streaming starts to stutter. 

At least that’s what happened to me just now. 🙂 I don’t recollect having any issue with the phone in my left pocket and streaming via Bluetooth from there until today. I think it’s coz the headphone has its Bluetooth receiver on the right side so the left pocket to right ear traversal is more sensitive to increased tummy fat! Sigh. 

Toggl, Todoist, Trello, Workflowy, KanbanFlow, etc.

Just a quick shout out to Toggl. It’s a time tracking app that I used to use a while back and have started using again now. 

I am an IT person. So why would I need to track my time? It’s not that I have to bill it to anyone, unlike say if I were a lawyer.

Reason I decided to start keeping track of my time is because I felt it might improve my productivity. And even if it doesn’t, at least I’d have a better understanding of where my time is going and how. Currently I get to work and start doing my tasks and whatever keeps coming my way, but I feel I am not getting a hang of the big picture. There’s no overall feel to what I am doing during the day. $hit just keeps coming my way, I deal with it. There’s a lot of other (non task related) stuff I want to do, but I lose track of that. Then when I get home I try and spend time taking care of those non task related stuff, and by the end of the day I have no idea where my time went. No sense at all.

I use Todoist to keep track of my tasks. I have been a fan of Todoist for years now. I was previously on Wunderlist (way before Microsoft bought it and re-released it earlier this month) but I moved to Todoist as I felt it better fit my needs (I don’t remember now how Todoist was better). I am actually a paid subscriber. Never thought back when I signed up that I’d actually pay money for a reminder app, much less continue doing it! :o) The good thing about Todoist is that it has extensions for Chrome and Firefox, apps for iOS and Android, and even a desktop version for Windows. So I have access to Todoist pretty much wherever I am. Even during my team meetings or 1-2-1’s with my manager, when I am giving a task I quickly note it in Todoist so it’s there. In short I am a fan! I use it to keep track of both personal and work related tasks. 

For a while I experimented with Trello for my work related task management. It was good but I absolutely hate the fact that I can’t delete my boards etc. All I can do is archive, and I don’t like that. It feels very limited. That’s when I started using Todoist for my work tasks – I just made multiple projects in that for stuff in progress etc. Today I came across another tool – KanbanFlow – which is similar to Trello but doesn’t seem limited like it, so I might give it a shot. I like the idea of having my tasks as a board. I guess there’s more sense of accomplishment when you see all your tasks as “Completed” or “In Progress” as a bunch of cards, as opposed to with Todoist where completed tasks get removed of the list. Not a big deal I know, and I might just stick to Todoist for work related tasks too, but I hope to give KanbanFlow a whirl. 

I must also give a shoutout to WorkFlowy – an amazing tool for making lists and keeping track of stuff. Before there was Trello and Todoist in my life, it was WorkFlowy. :o) And yes, I was a paid subscriber to them too for a few years. The best thing about WorkFlowy is its tags system and the way you can jump across lists – it’s simply amazing! I don’t remember why I reducing using WorkFlowy. I guess the transition was that I needed something to organize my work related tasks and Trello let me do that in a more visual style; and from there I could jump to Todoist as it let me add reminders and keep both personal and work tasks together. 

Back to Toggl. Found this page with a list of productivity tools that Toggl integrates with. I don’t know most of them – must check them out sometime. Also while on Toggl, here’s two funny cartoons from them. :o) On IT jobs. And how to save the princess in various programming languages. 

Going to hit ‘Publish’. I can see from my Toggl timer that I spent 29 mins typing this post up!

More Random Thoughts…

Came across an old Bollywood song on radio today. Well not thaaaat old :) but old as in from my school/ college days. “Badi Mushkil Hai” by Abhijeet from the movie “Anjaam”. 

Whenever I think of my school/ college days I keep thinking they were much simpler and easier than now. I don’t want to sound like some old man reminiscing his past, nor am I a technology hater who wishes for the past when there were less technological advances etc; but those times just “feel” a lot better. Simpler music.  Simpler movies/ stories. Even when I was watching 11.22.63 and Maigret last weekend I had the same feeling – life just feels more complicated now. Like we are somehow out of touch with reality. 

I guess these thoughts are because of those two TV shows plus the fact that I am listening (audiobook) to a Raymond Chandler novel and before that to “Slaughter House 5” – all stuff from an older time, and especially two of them with lot of time travel references. Puts you in that frame of mind I think. 

I guess the past feels simpler because we had less choices then. Either coz there were only less choices, or we were only given less choices. The number of choices you have in school or college are less. Similarly the number of choices 20 years ago in terms of career or place or even stuff you can buy were less – so it just feels simpler that way. Plus societal ways too were limited. Relationships were more straightforward and simpler. Now we have a choice in everything. You can choose how you want your life to be, what you want to be, what you want to do, who you want to be with (not just in terms of “a person from the opposite sex” but even which sex you want to be with). There’s choices everywhere. Gives you more freedom but also gives an impression that the past was simpler. That’s what I think at least. 

“Anjaam” was a good movie by the way. Shah Rukh Khan had a lot of good movies in his initial days. I was a huge fan of this and his movies. I guess I am partial to the anti-hero sort of character. And nearly all these characters he portrayed had an intensity to them. His characters still have intensity – but back then (a) they weren’t just heroes like his characters now and (b) because they were quite negative the intensity gave them an edge. And many of his characters were the obsessive types. Flawed, one could say. I felt they were more in tune with reality. Real life does not have on screen hero characters. We are all flawed. Some just a lot more than others. Even the good characters he played (like in “Yes Boss”, a favorite) we different. You could relate to them. And they were flawed in their own way. 

Do the increased choices we have now reflect an increased free will? I don’t think so. I have been thinking of this too past few days. I think ever since I read “Slaughter House 5”. I liked all that was expressed there about time. They have been constantly in my head since then. I used to think of the past and choices as something I make, something I have control over. Now I think less so. Like Kurt Vonnegut wrote I feel it’s just a limitation of us now being able to see in the time dimension. Everything has already happened and will happen. To us it seems like it’s unfolding and we are making choices, but what if the choices have already been made (or rather, there is no choice to be made really) and we are just exactly where we have to be. Such a line of thinking does not make life any less worth living or exciting. We still don’t know what is going to happen – so that curiosity factor is still there. We just stop deluding ourselves that there’s some actual choosing we are doing. Yes, we make choices. Yes, we decide to do this or that. All that happens and all that will happen will continue as it always had – and it will appear that it’s a conscious decision from our side due to x, y, z reasons. None of that changes. What changes is wishful thinking that we could have made different choices or that our present could be different/ better. We are exactly where we have to be. Every one of us. It has all already happened. 

A cube is a cube to us because we can perceive three dimensions. If all we could perceive were two dimensions then it would be a square to us; and if all we could perceive were one dimension then it would be a line. But irrespective of what we can perceive the cube is always there. And it appears as a cube because three dimensions is all we can perceive. If we could perceive time too as a fourth dimension then the cube won’t appear like it does for us now. It would be something else altogether. And that object would be just as static as a cube does for us now. This structure will encapsulate the entirety of the choices the cube would have made in time – if it moved places for instance. That object is static. The cube’s journey is a tableau in that. From the cube’s point of view it made choices; but there really is nothing to choose. The 4D cube just exists and is there. 

Yeah I am taking gibberish I know. :o) Most of it doesn’t make concrete sense to me either. But I am fascinated by the alternate point of view that it’s all fixed/ pre-determined. That there really are no choices. That whatever is happening, happened, and will happen has all already happened. I am just a passenger going with the motions and making my choices. Sometimes I choose good, sometimes I screw up. Sometimes I am good. Sometimes (most times haha!) I am a screw up. But it has all already happened. 

Over and out!

Random Thoughts…

Reading about Kurt Gödel the other day. Intentionally Googled for him actually. He fascinates me ever since I (half-)read “Godel, Escher, Bach”. A genius. Especially his Incompleteness Theorem. I vaguely remember him being a severely depressed person (I think I had read a biography of his, or at least kind of read). Surprised that such a genius person would be depressed. What would depress a genius?

Generally Googling on this I got the impression it’s not uncommon for geniuses to be depressed. It shouldn’t be surprising to me yet I a kind of surprised. Am curious what would make a genius depressed. I just imagined that they would be so wrapped up in their own world that they wouldn’t have worldly things to be worried about and be depressed for. But turns out I am wrong. There seems be a lot of correlation between being a genius and being depressed. The link seems to be that such people obsess over the smallest of things and when that seeps into other areas it can have depressing effects. (Not being a genius myself, but a person obsessed with details and prone to thinking a lot on absurd things and getting disturbed by that I understand that). 

Not all geniuses are depressed though. 

Which brings me to this post. I am listening to Raymond Chandler’s books nowadays and was thinking he’s so smart. The whole noir detective genre that he introduced. His writing, the characters, the plots. So smart and creative. I don’t know if he was depressed – I didn’t Google that. Would be surprised if he were considering the wit in his writing. (But then, comedians are depressed people. I wasn’t surprised when I read Robin Williams was depressed. I get that too. So maybe I shouldn’t be surprised if I Google and find Chandler to be depressed. Anyhow – I am digressing…)

Now I am listening to some music. Classical music and film scores etc. Currently listening to the Mission Impossible 3 score actually, as I write this. A great score by Michael Giacchino. I would call him a genius. Don’t think he’d be depressed though. Or other great composers. Hand Zimmer etc. 

I think there’s two sort of geniuses. Those with a bit more intensity are the ones who get depressed. In fact, the key thing is intensity I think. (All geniuses are creative but it’s the intense + creative combo that’s deadly). Geniuses with intensity are one notch above other geniuses. And this intensity is what increases their chances of being depressed. This intensity is also how I am able to explain my own thought processes. Intensity is good. But it’s a double edged sword. It’s like one of these X-Men mutant powers – and not the good kind that you can hide or somehow meld into society with. Intensity is the sort where you will be outcast for sure and you are already set up to be depressed. 

That’s all. Stopping before I ramble on. Wanted to put these thoughts somewhere and since they came out in flow thought this blog would be the best place. :)